It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How does one acquire holy water?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
