Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
