While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
