You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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