Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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