I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
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