Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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