There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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