The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
