went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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