She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
