Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
