just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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