dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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