I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
