is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
