My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
