this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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