I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
