Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
