Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
