I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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