One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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