My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
