I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
