he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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