woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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