Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
