My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
