If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
