OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
