I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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