So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
