i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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