so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
