at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
