Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
