she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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