Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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