you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
