I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
