Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
