I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
