I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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