Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
