Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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