You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
