I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
