You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
only if we run a train.
done.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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