I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
