you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
