if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
